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Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States

Diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in April of 1980. I recognize the incredible mental struggle of living with diabetes. I hope to share my struggles, my successes, and everything in between.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Feeling Little

Oh how I wish that the title was some witty way of bragging about all the weight loss that is (not) happening for me.

Instead, it's how I feel tonight. In terms of will power and the ability to stick with my plan.

I've talked a little about my meal plan. I've also talked about the Power of Food.

Tonight I fell down because I was tempted with potato chips, pizza, and brownies.

And I ate all of them. Not all of all of them, but some of all of them. Too much of all of them.

Why is it so hard sometimes to resist those temptations that we are faced with? Maybe I try to be too strict with myself. Or maybe I fall down in times of low blood sugars.

Why is food so powerful sometimes? How does it have the ability to make the best of our intentions collapse into chocolate laced brownie crumbs?

I think that while I am beginning to really appreciate the effect of food choices on my blood sugar, that it often makes me mad and angry. It makes me rebel against it.

But afterwards I feel little. Small and weak willed. Unable to make the "right choice" in the heat of the moment. What kind of person am I if my resolve fails when a brownie is put in front of me?

The "power of food" cuts both ways, and it deserves a little more respect from me. The respect we give Mother Nature for her awesome, life giving gifts on one hand, and her devastating destructive powers on the other.

16 Comments:

Blogger cesnh said...

But - it's hard to not take a bite when it's sitting in front of you... We don't have any "forbidden foods" in the house, but work is a whole 'nother situation.
You'll do better tomorrow.
Colleen

7:29 PM  
Blogger Vivian said...

Awww sweetie, I am sorry you are having such a struggle. Is it that you have told your self you can not have it or is it that it is just that good?
We all have our weak moments in battle, hang in there. If there is anything I can do let me know.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post seems to bring a saying into my head as I read it. "Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have." It's always a struggle, and there will be times when we don't have the strength to deny it, but when that happens, at least savour the moment, and bolus for it ;) and next time you'll have the upper hand.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Bernard said...

Scott

It's amazing what a constant struggle it is to walk this diabetes walk. And sometimes we all go off the path and do things we know we shouldn't.

I hope you managed to cover the extra carbs reasonably well!

I'm starting to think that whenever my blood sugar is low, I need to be as disciplined as possible to take a measured amount of juice and wait 15 minutes and test again before deciding to do more.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay Scott now you are gonna make me cry.

I am almost 5'11" and feel small quite often.

For me the pump has made eating bad easier.

Karen

9:06 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Sunday morning: weigh-in
Sunday afternoon: all you can eat buffet at Sweet Tomatoes. And did I? Yes I did. Please guestimate the carbs in a giant chicken salad, potato salad, mac and cheese, cornbread, sweet potato, and double choclate brownie with chocolate yougurt and oreo bits.

Monday morning: A1C lab work :)

9:14 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Scott - I'm currently battling the same thing and Diabetes isn't a factor for me. It will be if I don't lose some weight though (not Type 1 though, of course).

I've been doing WW for 3 weeks now - tomorrow is my 3rd weigh in. I don't know, it's a long and hard process. I'm finding that if I skip working out or eat that brownie, ice cream or whatever, the guilt is soooo bad I can't stand it.

In a way - guilt is helping me. I don't want to feel it - it's worse than exercising! (and trust me, I HATE exercising). I look at food differently now too. I think it's ok to indulge from time to time - who doesn't? We all have our weak moments, but hang in there bud - you're not alone in this battle!

9:22 PM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

Hey, Scott. I know where you are coming from, bro. I had the largest slice of pizza I have ever seen last night. I had ordered and consumed a chef's salad while the pizza that my family was eating just sat there in front of me. Finally, I succumbed, then and bolused 7u for it and even that wasn't enough!

Just keep moving forward and try not to dwell on this too much. With a new day, comes new opportunities and more chances to succeed.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

You can't expect to maintain a perfect track record.

The important thing is to eat healthy again after a splurge and EXPECT to have those moments where you want to eat everything and anything in sight.

Treat yourself to a special treat a few days a week if you think that will help to prevent a binge.

You should have more good eating days than bad. Having one bad moment isn't going to through your efforts down the tubes.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Carey said...

A brownie is one of mankind's greatest creations. Pizza and chips? Not so shabby either. I think you should cut yourself some slack. You are human.

7:31 AM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Hear ya loud and clear.
That whole "No Sweets" thing has been out the window for me for a while now, and it ain't pretty.

I gorged over the weekend.
No fun. Or at least, not enough fun for it to have been worth it.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Zazzy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:56 PM  
Blogger Zazzy said...

Trying again. :-)

Hey Scott! I've been thinking about this all day and trying to figure out a way to put it that doesn't make me sound completely insane (or insensitive).

Food, for most of us, has very little to do with nutrition. There's all this emotional stuff attached to it. I offer into evidence the fact that the diabetic "diet" is nothing more than a healthy well balanced diet that anyone would be advised to follow. If that's all it took we'd all be skinny with near perfect blood sugar.

You've talked about how much you hate diabetes. There isn't a lot to like about it. But what I've been wondering is whether your hatred for the disease has transformed into a hatred for your body. Do you see yourself nourishing and nurturing yourself with what you eat or are you being punished? If you're feeling punished with your food plan, deprived of the foods that bring you emotional solace and comfort - why on earth would you _want_ to stick to this food plan? Wouldn't there constantly be a part of you wanting to rebel? A part screaming that you can eat what you want dammit?

I don't have the answers for how to fix it but I know it's part of my battle. Diet seems like a constant punishment for being a bad person. I try really hard for a while then I slip up and everything falls apart since I'm such a failure I may as well give up. It's hard to bounce back from. I know that somehow my thinking and attitude have to change but I just don't know quite how yet.

Anyway, hugs.

4:57 PM  
Blogger ..M.. said...

Scott, I'm SO with you on this one. When I think logically, I just don't understand it. It's only FOOD, geez, we need it to survive. We know what's good for us and what isn't. We know it's no fun to have a sick belly, or high blood sugars, or worse: the roller coaster BGs. I totally understand that, and I KNOW exactly what to do: EAT HEALTHY, in small amounts, regularly. EASY!

SO why oh why isn't it easy? Why do I crave junk food some days and not want to eat at all other days? Why can't I say no? BAH!!! Some days this very topic frustrates me so much I'd like to scream. It just doesn't make sense to me.

The only help I've had on this is the lower-carb brigade - I'd never thought it made sense to go lower carb but the more I do it (which is NOT often!!) the better I feel and the easier it is. It's those darned evil carbs... they're addictive. Dirty little *****'s :P

So I know what to do - oh, so do you and most of the rest of us eh? Eat more veggies, have balanced meals, go easy on the carbs, replace crap with something good or guzz a glass of water, whatever! So we've learnt well, haven't we? Shall we celebrate with some cake?

5:18 PM  
Blogger Kerri. said...

Food is powerful. Controlling it, being affected by it on so many levels, and keep an obsession with it at bay is a constant challenge for me. I'd imagine it's like that for plenty of diabetics.

But if your resolve crumbles in the face of a brownie, that doesn't make you weak. It just makes you hungry.

You are a strong person. It's so tough to be faced with looking at a plate of cookies as a test of will. But succumbing to the tasty bits every once in a while doesn't paint you as irresponsible or compromised. It's just indulging sometimes. It's okay to indulge.

Or at least it had better be, because we all do it. And we'll all be okay, despite doing it.

Thinking of you. And currently wishing I had a plate of brownies, damnit. ;)

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT!!! I have fallen into some terrible routine where all day long I "work" on my diabetes/diet...and then...somehow I think that at night I can quit working. It is like a bad reward for being my best all day. How is that for short-sightedness? ...or perhaps it is burned-outed-ness. I am smarter than this ~ (-: ~ I hope. But most of all, I feel little.

10:04 AM  

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